Planning Ahead

Damnit I've been busy.  I'm not even going to try to update right now.  School and Cross took up my entire Fall semester and now it's almost over.  I just had an epiphany on the way home.

I plan too far ahead.

I think that's the main reason for my nonproductive life and lack of success in racing.  (Small update: I had a really shitty cross country season, running slower than I did Freshman year.)  I think too far ahead and plan my moves six in advance which makes me realize all the stuff that I've got to get through to get there.  If I'd stop looking so far forward and just live a little in the moment, I'd be alright to just do what needs to get done without a problem.

Sure there are some things that need to be planned, like projects with deadlines and some training stuff, but not every little detail needs to be in line before diving into some things.  I try to get everything together and run through every situation in my head before doing ANYTHING.  Some spontaneity would be nice in my life.  Too bad that's not me.  I've got great people surrounding me but never seem to get close to any of them because I'm thinking ahead to when I won't have time to hang out and keep a healthy relationship going.

Yeah, that last part was a bit of a tangent but it sort of relates.  I've been busy and had to plan ahead and now I've got the time to spare and no idea what to do with it.  I spend most of my free time on weekends sleeping because I've psyched myself into thinking that I'm always tired.  I have no problem with sleeping but some plans every once and a while would be nice.  Seems like people don't include me because I don't seem friendly because I'm "busy."  Wash, rinse, repeat.

Circles are viscous.  Nothing I can do about it.  I should stay away from the circus though, but at least that's plans.  Then again, clowns are kind of weird sometimes.  They get worse with age, too.

That last part was probably over your head but I got it and that's all that matters.  I'm the only thing that ever matters.  Just kidding, but seriously...

Read something the other day about "nice guys finish last."  Agreed with it completely.  I've been pushed to the background a lot.  I hope I'm nice and not just that ugly.  I was going for nice.  Putting the work in and being there for people is all I ever try to do.  Wish that would come across occasionally.

This rant has deteriorated.  It was so organized in my head.  But, just like everything else, it fell apart as it came out of that organized chaos.

Till next time, get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids.

Absent

I feel like I've been absent in my life lately.  I've been doing alright, just not engaged like I would normally be.  Even for the summer, I feel like I'm just floating through, not overachieving, but not underachieving either.  I'm not being noticed either way.

I want to be noticed.

I haven't done anything spectacular and don't see anything coming my way soon.  Lately, I've found myself asking the question, "What am I going to do to make my mark?"  Sure I've been involved in Teenpower for a while and I've got a decent track record in school.  My running isn't extraordinary (and my training this summer's showed that too) and I'm not really a good enough swimmer or biker to be great at triathlons.  I could be average at everything I do; that's not interesting.  I want to stand out, to show the world that I am a person of excellence.  I just don't know how to do it.

I feel like I've spread myself too thin through my life up to this point.  I haven't been able to settle into an activity because I've been constantly moving from one thing to another in hopes of finding my niche.  I still haven't found it but hopefully it comes to me soon.

Till next time, get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids.

Die Alone

This is not about the Ingrid Michaelson song.  But I sure wish it would end up like it does...

Sure it's brash.  Sure it's assumptive.  Sure there's a good chance it won't end up happening.  But that's how I feel right now.

I have done some stupid things in the past that have led to break-ups and falling outs and have some major flaws that I don't see resolving themselves in the near future.  I'm closed off.  I don't open up, even to people who I've know for a long time.  I don't have any really close friends.  Never really have for that matter.  Every relationship I've tried to sustain has fallen apart shortly after due to mistakes on my part.  I get distracted easily and can't focus on any relationship enough to make anything substantial of it.  Sure I'm still young and have some stuff to go through yet, but for heaven's sake, I'm 20 years old with no best friends that I can just call up and hang out with.  My best friend is too close to me to be considered my friend.  And my whole family's really close to him which also makes me uncomfortable with calling him my best friend.

I guess I'm not going to die alone, but I won't have anyone but my family, as of now anyway.  I've thought that I'd have a wife and kids someday.  It seems like people my age are starting to get married, or at least are in serious relationships.  I'm not.  I feel like I'm behind the curve.  I'm not used to being behind in anything, school, running, anything, and it's bugging the hell out of me.  Maybe all this will change soon, maybe it won't.  I just can't seem to put myself out there, can't step out of my shell to get to know other people.  I won't let other people know me.  Whatever the problem is, I hope there's someone there that will be able to change me or be comfortable with me withholding my feelings to a certain extent.

I'm probably just building this up and worrying myself too much.  I've got a lot of school ahead of me anyway.  I don't have time to worry about this or other people.  Whatever.  Another rant complete.

Till next time, get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids.  (Fitting since I wrote this in a doctor's office.)

Seller's Remorse

In case you didn't know, buyer's remorse is when you buy something and instantly feel like you really shouldn't have made that purchase.  It's something I feel all the time because I'm stingy to say the least and don't feel the need to have a whole slew of possessions.  Call it a gift or a curse, but I lean more toward the curse stance.  I'm never comfortable with my purchases until later when I've settled into them a little bit.  Alright on to the real reason for this post, other than it's a new month and I want to get a post in before I run out of June, more on that later.

Seller's Remorse

Sure it's not as commonly known as Buyer's Remorse, but it's there.  And it's been hitting me hard lately.  I feel like, unlike buyer's remorse, Seller's Remorse get's worse as time progresses and the realization... What am I saying?  Let me explain in case you haven't followed

Seller's remorse is when you sell something or give something up that you think you shouldn't have.

Ok.  Back to business.  The way I see it, Seller's Remorse gets worse with time, unlike buyer's remorse which is able to be settled into.   Take smoking or drinking for example.  Sure, you know it's a good idea to give either of those two things up, but it's hard as hell.  You start off strong, going days without a beer or cigarette, but eventually it wears you down to where you can't hardly stand not having that alcohol or nicotine flowing through your veins, polluting your blood, and slowly degrading your internal organs as it does its job.  This doesn't apply solely to substance abuse though, mind you.

I'm clean and I'm feeling this too.  Sure it's different.  Sure I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.  Sure it's been hard without this in my life.  Sure I could probably live without it.  But it would make it easier, I don't want to, maybe it wasn't the right thing in the long haul, and no, it's no different than a relapse.

Successful

"Formula for success: under promise and over deliver." 

                                                   - Tom Peters
Got it.

The Hero Dies in This One

The hardest part isn't finding what we need to be, it's being content with who we are.

                                                             Stay who you are. 

Maybe The Ataris had it wrong though.  Maybe the hardest part isn't being content with who we are, but being content with who we eventually find out that we actually are.  Sure you can be anyone you want to be, but that's not really you.  You can put on a mask and be anything or anyone but yourself.  The only way to truly be yourself is to take off all the disguises and reveal to everyone, including you, what colors, however drab or bright they may be, that have been hidden for whatever reason.

It could take a life shock or something as minuscule as a passing glance on the street to get someone to realize that they have been hiding behind so many walls and layers of lie that they start to feel everything come crashing down on them.  Either way, being who you are, and being content with that person and all their flaws and faults, is the largest battle that everyone faces in life.  Maybe it's because society looks down on, and has looked down on, being your own person.  It could be that civilization thinks that everyone should be civilized and refined, not crude and habitualized.  I would say barbaric here but all barbarism seems to be is a group of habits that people develop that has been looked down upon by the "upper" civilized people.

Sure expelling gases and picking at bodily fluids and secretions are not the "ideal" way to live and maybe these actions can cause illness if mixed in the wrong combination or order, but were is the fun in being prim and proper all the time.  People need to let loose some times.  Get rowdy.  Belch and fart.  Pick your nose.  The only people that say we're not supposed to do that stuff is ourselves.  If we're supposed to be who we are, why do we hate on other people for being who they are?  Why to we discriminate between people of different religions?  What's the point of making fun of someone who does something different than us?  Sure we're used to doing things our way, but not everyone's living our life.

Some people just need to realize and accept the differences in people.  If everyone could accept difference, there would be no war or hate at all, ever.  Sure it's idealistic.  Sure it's probably never going to happen.  But is that any different than asking people to conform to "civilized" life or "higher society" and clean up their act?  Hate it or love it, it's the way I see it.  You don't have to agree with my views, so I don't want to hear criticism of what I believe.  That would only confirm the title of this post.  But I do want to know what you think.  Let me know how you feel however you feel fit.  Comment, phone call, text message, e-mail, Facebook message, whatever.

All that from a line from a song.  And a Punk song at that.

Till next time, get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids.

It's been too long since my last post.  A lot has happened, but that probably doesn't need to be stated.  I live a busy life, of course a lot will happen in a four month absence.  Here's a little recap:

• I had a very lackluster indoor track season, not running near as fast as I could have.
• Owen came home from Afghanistan after his year long tour over there.  We're really glad to have him back.
• I competed in my first Duathlon (run, bike, run) and finished third overall with a very quality time to show for it.
• I went to Panama City Beach for spring break and had a good time, and got injured.
• I red-shirted my first collegiate season.  Due to my injury sustained from Panama and not running with my orthodics for a month, I was able to get into awesome biking shape during this track season.
• I've gotten better and I'm now back to running.
• Organic chemistry was not the death of me as once thought it would be.
• As of today the applications that I've been putting in for jobs has reaped benefits.  I have an interview tomorrow.

I've also decided to keep another blog of my summer.  I'll be creating that later tonight.  Be looking for more posting in here as a supplement to the other blog I'm creating.  This one's not dying, just getting a little brother.

Till next time, get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids.

New Year, Knew Me

As the year began, I told myself that I was going to write in this thing more often, beginning with the first day of the year.  I was actually going to try to write everyday if I could come up with something to write.  Then I got busy, aka lazy.  I did get a lot of reading done since my last post though, more than I thought I could get done in the span of break.  I finished the psychology book about happiness, titled Stumbling on Happiness, that I’ve been working on for about a year now, breezed through a book about a mastermind that goes to kill the guys who tortured him in WWII called Six Graves to Munich, read Lamb: the gospel according to Biff, Christ’s childhood pal, and finished the break with Looking for the King about a post grad student that goes to England to write a book but ends up looking for a really old spear.  But I guess it’s all what you read and how much it interests you that determines how much you read and how fast you read it.  My pace will surely slacken now that school has started and I’m back to the grind of homework and reading from textbooks.

That’s not really what this post is about though.  This is one of the more personal posts, but it’s going to be vague.  Sorry.  If it bothers you enough and you want to know specifics, wait.  They will come in time.

What I really wanted to talk about is what has happened, and what will happen, to me through this year.  I’m not one for big New Year’s resolutions that are going to change who I am.  As you can see, I’m writing my New Year’s post on the twelfth of the month.  I’m still a huge procrastinator and not good at managing my time.  Although it wasn’t a traditional “resolution,” I feel that I did see some things that may need to change this year.

I feel like I’ve come to a cross roads in my life.  I have been blessed with the ability to do well in just about everything that I’ve pursued up until now which makes it all the more difficult to decide what to do.  I get the feeling that I’m not supposed to be going down the path that I am right now, that maybe being a doctor, or even schooling in general, is not for me.  I know you have to pretty much have a degree in something to go anywhere except McDonalds in this world and I don’t want to be flipping burgers all my life, but it just seems that there is something pulling harder than being a doctor and tending to snotty (physically, not characteristically) for the rest of my life.  I’ve talked to a few people and they seem to be supportive in whatever I choose.  I guess I just need to talk to some more people, get some information, and see if this is going to be the right road to follow.

Sorry for leaving so much up in the air and being ambiguous.  If you pry, I may come clean about my ideas.  On to other aspects of life.

The semester is getting rolling.  And rolling fast.  I’m not sure I’ll be updating very much this semester, at least early in it.  I’m taking two classes with labs, three total science classes, and my weekends are pretty full too.  We’ve got three meets in the next three or four weeks, depending on if I get to go to Michigan for the GVSU Big Meet.  Training is going well and I solved my mysterious hip issue that popped up during break.  I always knew runners were notorious for having weak hips, but my left his is SUPER weak.  It’s just special I guess.  But all I’ve got to do is get my left hip up to snuff and I should be good.

Hopefully it’s not TOO long before I get to write again.

Till next time, get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids.