Die Alone

This is not about the Ingrid Michaelson song.  But I sure wish it would end up like it does...

Sure it's brash.  Sure it's assumptive.  Sure there's a good chance it won't end up happening.  But that's how I feel right now.

I have done some stupid things in the past that have led to break-ups and falling outs and have some major flaws that I don't see resolving themselves in the near future.  I'm closed off.  I don't open up, even to people who I've know for a long time.  I don't have any really close friends.  Never really have for that matter.  Every relationship I've tried to sustain has fallen apart shortly after due to mistakes on my part.  I get distracted easily and can't focus on any relationship enough to make anything substantial of it.  Sure I'm still young and have some stuff to go through yet, but for heaven's sake, I'm 20 years old with no best friends that I can just call up and hang out with.  My best friend is too close to me to be considered my friend.  And my whole family's really close to him which also makes me uncomfortable with calling him my best friend.

I guess I'm not going to die alone, but I won't have anyone but my family, as of now anyway.  I've thought that I'd have a wife and kids someday.  It seems like people my age are starting to get married, or at least are in serious relationships.  I'm not.  I feel like I'm behind the curve.  I'm not used to being behind in anything, school, running, anything, and it's bugging the hell out of me.  Maybe all this will change soon, maybe it won't.  I just can't seem to put myself out there, can't step out of my shell to get to know other people.  I won't let other people know me.  Whatever the problem is, I hope there's someone there that will be able to change me or be comfortable with me withholding my feelings to a certain extent.

I'm probably just building this up and worrying myself too much.  I've got a lot of school ahead of me anyway.  I don't have time to worry about this or other people.  Whatever.  Another rant complete.

Till next time, get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids.  (Fitting since I wrote this in a doctor's office.)

Seller's Remorse

In case you didn't know, buyer's remorse is when you buy something and instantly feel like you really shouldn't have made that purchase.  It's something I feel all the time because I'm stingy to say the least and don't feel the need to have a whole slew of possessions.  Call it a gift or a curse, but I lean more toward the curse stance.  I'm never comfortable with my purchases until later when I've settled into them a little bit.  Alright on to the real reason for this post, other than it's a new month and I want to get a post in before I run out of June, more on that later.

Seller's Remorse

Sure it's not as commonly known as Buyer's Remorse, but it's there.  And it's been hitting me hard lately.  I feel like, unlike buyer's remorse, Seller's Remorse get's worse as time progresses and the realization... What am I saying?  Let me explain in case you haven't followed

Seller's remorse is when you sell something or give something up that you think you shouldn't have.

Ok.  Back to business.  The way I see it, Seller's Remorse gets worse with time, unlike buyer's remorse which is able to be settled into.   Take smoking or drinking for example.  Sure, you know it's a good idea to give either of those two things up, but it's hard as hell.  You start off strong, going days without a beer or cigarette, but eventually it wears you down to where you can't hardly stand not having that alcohol or nicotine flowing through your veins, polluting your blood, and slowly degrading your internal organs as it does its job.  This doesn't apply solely to substance abuse though, mind you.

I'm clean and I'm feeling this too.  Sure it's different.  Sure I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.  Sure it's been hard without this in my life.  Sure I could probably live without it.  But it would make it easier, I don't want to, maybe it wasn't the right thing in the long haul, and no, it's no different than a relapse.